well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
