He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
