I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
