Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
