I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
