im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
