I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
