I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
