I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
