Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
