on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
