I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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