he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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