If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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