My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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