She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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