i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
