Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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