i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
