First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
