life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
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