there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
