oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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