just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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