That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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