He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
