He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
