I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
