In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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