no, he came in my armpit
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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