Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
