Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
