I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
