it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
