Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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