Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Randomize
