The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
