you traded sex for a burrito?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
