I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
