you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
