Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
