He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I wish you could order shots online.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
