Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
