Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
