I got chris browned last night
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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