I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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