I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
