im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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