i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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