Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
