Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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