When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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